Recently I told an acquaintance about the surgery and said other
options existed, but because the pain had become disabling and I didn’t want
children, this made the most sense. His
first response? “You can always
adopt.” Well, sure, I could, except for
the part where I don’t want children.
As a kid, I assumed I’d have children because nearly every
adult I knew did. In my twenties, I still
assumed that, though I imagined it would occur at some vague future date that
never grew any closer. At 33, I dated a
man I thought I would marry. Matt and I
discussed how much we might enjoy having children and how much we might enjoy
not having children. We decided to reserve
a year or two together for just the two of us, then let the chips fall where
they may. Kids – great! No kids – great!
Matt and I broke up when I was 35. I still felt the same. What I wanted was a happy life, with children
or without. Five years later, my view changed. I’d created a full, happy life, with two
careers (writing and law), significant volunteer commitments, a close network
of friends and family, and a home I loved.
I didn’t feel the desire to switch gears and spend the next twenty years
focusing on bearing and raising children.
Sometimes I wondered if I lacked something essential because
I didn’t feel devastated not being a parent.
Books and TV shows depict “childless” women in their thirties as lonely
and depressed. Also, many people express
or imply I can’t be happy with my lifestyle.
Often the same person will ask me again and again if I regret not having
kids. This tempts me to ask if that
person regrets having children. The fact
that I don’t do so raises an interesting point in itself. Why is it considered okay to ask me about my
personal reproductive choices, yet taboo to ask a parent the same question?
From grade school on, my friend Julie knew she didn’t want kids. In her twenties, she tried to get her tubes
tied. Her OB-GYN refused to do it. She was too young, she was single, she’d
never had a baby. Julie kept
asking. By the time she reached her
thirties, she must have wondered – really?
How old exactly do I need to be to be credited with knowing my own mind
about whether I want to reproduce? Finally,
when she was 40 and married, a surgeon agreed to do the procedure.
In part, I understand a doctor’s hesitancy to perform surgery
that results in permanent birth control.
People do change their minds, and it’s difficult if not impossible to
reverse. But so is having a child.
Another statement I hear is that it’s selfish to choose not
to have children. This puzzles me. Because I have no kids, I can generally donate
more time and money than many parents can to charitable causes. Also, as a household of one, I put less wear
and tear on streets and highways than does a household of 2-6 people. On the average I pollute less and use fewer
public services (such as libraries, police, or ambulance), and I don’t take
advantage of public schools. Yet every
year I pay significantly more in taxes than do the households with the same
income that use more services, as adults with dependent children lower their
tax bills through deductions or credits.
Not only do I publicly help finance other people’s children, I do so
privately as well, through decades of gifts at baby showers, baptisms, birthdays,
and, eventually, weddings. I don’t mind any
of this. One thing I agree with Hillary Clinton
about is it takes a village to raise a child, and I believe our world is better
when children can access education, food, and healthcare. I also love being part of my nieces and
nephews lives in particular, and enjoy celebrating their milestones as much as
I can. What seems strange to me, though,
is that some people consider me selfish for doing these things.
The explanation most often given for the selfish label is
that non-parents spend more money on leisure.
We often can afford to travel, attend the theater, visit fine dining
restaurants, or ski more often than parents with similar incomes. Again, this puzzles me. Yes, I may be doing more of some things that
I find fun, but I am not experiencing the joys of parenting that parents tell
me they experience. If I am selfish for
doing what I enjoy, aren’t they equally selfish for doing what they enjoy? I actually don’t think either of us is
selfish, we just followed different life paths.
I don’t see any reason to denigrate or question parents’ choices, I
simply don’t understand why some parents want to denigrate mine.
Why write about this?
It’s a very personal issue, as is my upcoming surgery. But the personal really is the political. Our nation struggles daily over abortion, contraception
and women’s roles. That our culture regularly
questions an individual woman’s competence to decide whether to become
pregnant, or to know whether she’s happy with her life path if that path means
not having children, can’t help but inform the larger debate over women’s
rights and women’s roles. To insist that
I don’t know my own mind or feelings when I say I am happy focusing on pursuits
other than child-rearing implies the only real or valuable role for a woman is
that of mother.
I don’t have a perfect wrap up for this post or an answer
to all the questions about women’s roles that are still being examined in our
country. But for now I’ll paraphrase
Jane Austen and suggest that when a woman is asked about her reproductive
choices, the questioner ought to pay her the compliment of believing her
sincere, and see her as a rational woman speaking the truth from her heart.A 2014 update -- A couple of my friends now have grandchildren & are enjoying that immensely, and I've realized that is one thing I'm sorry I missed by not having kids (though of course that doesn't guarantee grandchildren). My mom and dad had great fun with the grandkids (my brothers' children), as did I. But I'm happy with my overall decision. Interestingly, today I ran across a list I made years ago, probably when I was about 36 or 37, of the pros and cons of not having kids. The pro list was very long and anticipated all the things I enjoy about my life as it is. The con list (favoring having children) had only 3 items. The first was not having grandchildren. I hadn't realized I'd ever considered that. It's nice to know I had a pretty good sense of the pluses and minuses personal to me about children
Lisa M. Lilly is an the author of THE AWAKENING series, which is about a young woman whose mysterious pregnancy may bring the world its first female messiah -- or trigger the Apocalypse.
THE AWAKENING is available at:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005CDXXY0
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-awakening-lisa-lilly/1104252756?ean=2940012849618
